read thru my fren's blog just now... and things tat happened today made me realised something...

i am nv a good fren...

and have no frens at all... perhaps only a few who would really care about me... but i'm really sorry to disappoint them... cos i'm very not someone who can maintain friendships no matter how long i haven't seen a person...

all my frenship are seemingly short-lived... there is not one well maintained frenship tat even when i'm not in the same class or school as tat person, we'd still keep in contact...

just realised wat a pathetic person i am...

sigh...

most ppl say ur sec sch frens are those who will be closest to u even after u step into working society... but wat bout my sec sch frens? how many of them are still keeping in touch with me and updating me wat's going on in their life?

the answer? none at all...

not even hf who is in my class... was on the same train as her when we went to sch for our exam... dun even know wat is going on in her life... sad isn't it?

haha... she was toking to ty... and i dun even know wat they are toking bout...

sometimes i feel tat i'm just another person in class... it's like even if i met them on the way to sch, i'll just be like any other passenger on the train... as if i dunno them...

i dunno how long i can take this kind of life anymore...

maybe u can say tat i'm an attention seeker... maybe it true... sometimes i just wish tat someone could pay me some attention... tat i could be in the limelight for something positive... but i dun think tat will be very possible since i'm very stupid... even when someone ever so rarely come and ask me a question, the answer i'd give them is i dunno...

i'm such a stupid failure...

really wonder how many of them would notice when i'm away in class... my guess would be tat it is none as usual... or maybe if i'm optimistic, my guess would be only one or two out of the whole class of 20 ppl...

if i'm to vanish frm this world, i dun think anyone would notice ba... haha... dun even think tat anyone in the world would care at all...

i am not a social creature... i am a loner...

no one would even care if i'm a loner...

wonder how much worse my social life could get... will it degrade until my life consist of only work/sch and home?? there's a high possibility since i am nv Ms. sociable, Ms. well-liked and Ms. friendly...

wat i wan is just someone who is willing to share their lives with me, and listen to all my happiness and woes... is tat alot to ask of??

i'm not initiative and i know i muz change... but it's just so hard to change...

i'm always knowing how my past frens are going on with their lives thru blogs and other common frens... i'm nv the first one tat they will update their lives with... nv ever... is it becos tat u dun trust me? maybe so... i really dunno... i can keep secrets well... but just no one ever confines in me... even now, i dun really know why i go to gatherings... to give myself a chance to mix with them? but no one ever comes and tok to me... even when i tok to them also is a question and answer session.. it's so disappointing tat i'm starting to wonder the purpose of me going to such gatherings...

the closest to me in my old lot used to be cf... but i dunno if he is scared tat i still like him or wat, seems to be shunning me whenever we have any gatherings... pls la... i'm long over our relationship, just tat amongst those present, u are the next closest to me... so obviously as a usual person, u'd stick with the most familiar person in a going stranger gathering...

if other ppl were to walk alone at the back of the group, there'll usually be someone who'd notice and go accompany him/her... but it's nv the case for me...

sometimes in my attempt to mix in, i'd feel like i'm a pests to all of my frens... am i really such a pests to u all?

maybe some of u might even cheer if i'm ever gone from this world... who would be sad? and who'd even missed me as a fren?

i'm really sick and tired of all these...

no one ever cares...

ciaoz...